Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
