She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
