My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
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