fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Oh god it's open bar.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
