i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Randomize
