don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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