I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Randomize
