I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize