youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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