I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize