If i could tip my vagina, i would.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
