Your dad touched me again.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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