apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
