I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
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