I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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