i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
