I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Randomize
