I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
