I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
