kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
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