how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
