she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
