Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
