I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
