If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
