Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
