wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Randomize
