Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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