I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
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