just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
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