I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
