you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
