God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
it hurts more in the daytime
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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