youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
