things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
