I CAN MOONWALK!
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
then he tried to convert me to islam
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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