hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
