I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
