So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
