my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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