Old men and throwing up are my life now.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Randomize
