stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
jump out the window naked night went bad
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