I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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