Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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