Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize