She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
