I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Holy shit dude........stairs
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Randomize
