giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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