I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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