God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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