my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Let the clothes fall where they may.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
