1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Randomize
