i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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