Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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