I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
do nipples grow back?
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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