just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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