like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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