literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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