I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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